In was early winter of 1992. Thanksgiving this year would be the first one in decades in which Bay, my Great Aunt and family matriarch would not be attending. She passed away mid-summer that same year, and although months had passed she was still sorely missed. But life goes on and Thanksgiving still meant bringing my insane family together again under one roof. These are folks that spent very little time together outside of funerals, family holidays and "incidental" house fires, so coordination was a task by itself. Anyways...
As a kid I always anticipated two things on Turkey Day - great food and great conflicts. You see, back then I thought the Jerry Springer shit only went down at my house. Later I'd realize that this was an American tradition spanning all races and backgrounds. But in 1992, Norton Street was like front row at the MGM Grand! The undercard events were truly amazing. The Players:
Cousin Tina The Crackhead (CT) - Completely convinced that nobody in the family knew she smoked crack in abandoned school buses.
Versus
Vietnam Calvin (VC) - A wartime cook that saw less combat than Gandhi, but once drunk became the entire cast of The Expendables.
Versus
Flamboyant Uncle Ken (FK) - 1992 gay was different than 2016 gay, but Ken was like Magic Johnson's son back then.
Versus
Sister Charlotte with the gold-plated bible (SC) - She would pray hard for you just for getting too much soda ("It's a sin").
Then of course the big money fighters:
Susie "Church Lady Who'll Only Have One Drink Today" Monroe (SM) - This is my momma, but she don't know about this website.
Versus
Her Sister Bonnie (BM) - Bonnie don't know no websites.
Those last two may seem like underwhelming fighters, but that's because you haven’t read the tale of the tape yet. Both of these husky bitches tipped the scales at over 250. Both had those grandma titties that stored everything from keys to leftover Little Ceasars (Titty! Titty!). Both wore those orthopedic nurse shoes with the rundown sides, but on this day they would squeeze their dogs into Pay Less high heels. I would later come to understand about the shoes - sometimes bulls won't fight the matador because they're simply not angry enough. High heels on a big bitch is like being stabbed near the neck with sabers - it somehow made them angrier. Moving on, both sister wore girdles that cut circulation to the part of the brain that filters fat jokes. Susie wore a wig (I think it had built-in Bluetooth speakers) and Bonnie used a cane that hid a sword. As the giant foil pan of stuffing dwindled down to a corner, this signaled the start of the real fun.
I'd like to make the next parts nice and clean but that would be impossible - One, it's hard to give all the details about these brawls when the undercard fighters and the main event is all going on at the same time. And two, my family is a foul-mothed group who, once filled with the spoils of holiday grub will throw all remaining foodstuffs as weaponry. Always starts innocently:
The Flamboyant One reaches over Sister Charlotte to grab some buns (hehehe), and inadvertently elbows her in the boob. Realizing this he instinctively jerks back and hits a spoon nestled in a warm bowl of yam goo. Spoon goes flying towards the kid's table and almost hits Susie's child (me).
SC - Damn Ken, why don't you watch your gay-ass elbows! That felt like another heart attack, you clumsy, shiny motherfu...
at the same time...
SM - My Father in heaven, I ask you to calm all this flying silverware shit down and protect my baby Lord!
at this point spectator seats turn and focus
VC - You bitches wasting them yams like I didn't spend all morning on em. Back in Denang I would’ve traded a carton of Pall Malls for them motherfuckin yams!
FK - (almost crying) Can we have one holiday without flying wigs?
CT - I can get those wigs for 3 dollars apiece, just let me know?
BM - I hate all y'all and somebody is gonna get cut if I don't get some silence and a slice of that sweet potato pie!
VC - You hungry bitches always talking about pie. Charlie liked pie too. POONTANG PIE!
SM - Somebody put demons in this drink! Let's all pray!?!
at the same time...
CT - I can get you some pie on the cheap. What kind you want?
SC - You right Susie, these devils need prayer. I'm calling Reverend Sparks.
FK - Don't do it, Reverend Sparks is nasty. Trust me I know dis!
SM - (hysterically yelling) SAY ONE MORE THING BAD ABOUT REVERERED BERNIE SPARKS! I'LL PUT THIS TURKEY BONE THROUGH YOUR EYE!
VC - I did that to a Chinaman during the TET holiday bitch. Don't be attacking this family's only faggot!
CT - I'll do some gay shit for the right price.
A slice of ham flies through the air and lands on the exposed part of Bonnie's breast.
BM - (laughing) Hey check it out. This looks like a skin graph!
SC - You niggas need to pray right now befor...
FK - If Bay was here you fools wouldn't be acting like this!
VC - If Bay was here these greens would have some damn seasonings in em...
Pause. Shots fired. Chitlin' juice stops flying. Crowd disperses. It's only 2:28 in the afternoon and we're done.
From my family to yours, Happy holidays NYKFP.
Fuck Turkey
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n8 the gr8
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Well written. Makes me glad my nuclear family hasn't done extended holidays the last several years.
"dam,we got a crier"
~tao
"Throw Payton out and get it over with. I'm getting hungry."
~Clyde
~tao
"Throw Payton out and get it over with. I'm getting hungry."
~Clyde
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washingtonparkjones
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First - hilarious. Thanks!
Second - Damn. Thought my fam threw down with some classic ethnic shit, but we're not in your class. The again, maybe because I haven't gone home for one in 16 years.
No crack heads, but two heroin addicts that think people can't tell when they're high. FYI - ish is obvious - droop eyes, slow deliberate movements, pauses to process what was just said to them.
Add on two alcoholics twenty years sober. Stir and enjoy the recovery culture argument b/t recovering and un-recovered addicts.
Add a dash of "I know everything and did everything bigger than you including partying" step-dad only 15 years my senior and I'm ready to do murder within the first hour.
Fortunately, my gay father who detests my step-dad has never been forced to share the event.
Besides, I cook better T-day than mom, so fuck that nonsense.
Second - Damn. Thought my fam threw down with some classic ethnic shit, but we're not in your class. The again, maybe because I haven't gone home for one in 16 years.
No crack heads, but two heroin addicts that think people can't tell when they're high. FYI - ish is obvious - droop eyes, slow deliberate movements, pauses to process what was just said to them.
Add on two alcoholics twenty years sober. Stir and enjoy the recovery culture argument b/t recovering and un-recovered addicts.
Add a dash of "I know everything and did everything bigger than you including partying" step-dad only 15 years my senior and I'm ready to do murder within the first hour.
Fortunately, my gay father who detests my step-dad has never been forced to share the event.
Besides, I cook better T-day than mom, so fuck that nonsense.
